How Self Sabotage Keeps You Safe from Success

In this article we will look at how to overcome fear and transform your relationship to it.

Over the next couple of weeks we will be taking a look at fear in a broader sense and how it interrupts, distorts, manipulates, and paralyses our actions in the world. In this week’s part one we will look at the nature of fear and some simple perspective shifts on how to overcome it. 

“Why is a corporate team building website writing about fear?”, I hear you ask. Well as experts in behavioural change and team management we have witnessed the paralysing effects of fear and how it shuts down communications within teams and between team leaders. We want to spread what we have learnt in hopes of helping others in rising up against their own subconscious fears and limitations. So let’s begin.

Firstly, have you ever asked yourself any of the following questions?

• Why do I self sabotage?
• Why am I afraid?
• Why do I avoid success?
• How do I overcome a fear failure?

If the answer is yes then you have probably reflected on the absurdity of fear and how seemingly irrational ideas can dominate your decisions, thoughts, and feelings about your day to day life (not to mention your goals, long and short term). This is the power of fear; it keeps you safe and sound, for better or worse.

In this article we will lay out the popular reasons we self sabotage, the relationship of fear to success (and failure) and then offer some new perspectives aimed at transforming your relationship with fear. Conquering your fears is not a matter of gritting your teeth and jumping into the ice bath, it is, like most things, about perspective; fear is your friend, not your foe. 

Fearing Success

A fear of success is a fear of failing to meet your own expectations. It is all too common in teams and individuals who place high expectations on their abilities and achievements. James Sudakow writes a great article on how a fear of success holds us back and goes over many points I will not cover in this article, but it is well worth a read. In short, a fear of success can be the motivation behind self sabotaging behaviour that will prevent ideal opportunities from fully manifesting. This usually results in justifying a sub par “better than nothing” outcome. You might find yourself saying things like “I probably could have done better if I’d prepared earlier”, or “I took some shortcuts but at least I got the job done”. 

In everyday behaviour procrastinating is what a fear of success looks like. If you have an important deadline coming up and you find yourself experiencing the uncontrollable desire to binge Netflix then this might be a clue to a fear based behavioural pattern.

If you want to be an effective leader then you must address your fear of failure, otherwise your team is not going to be able to respect your worldview, and approach. They will look to you for guidance and if you cannot pull from your own life experience then they will look elsewhere to know how to navigate the terrain of fear and uncertainty.

Fear and Change

Fear of success, or failure, is ultimately a fear of change. That change might be of your perspective of yourself, of your immediate circumstance, or a change in your lifestyle. Nick Wignall writes, “we fear the results of success much more than success itself.” This means that we fear the new pressures, or expectations put on us by ourselves and others, in the face of change. Even if we feel like we do want our lives to be different our subconscious mind will work hard to make sure things stay the same. Because the ego lives in the present moment so if change is looming then the ego becomes frightened of transforming itself.

Leadership is the art of changing things, as Steve Farber notes in his article on using fear to build better teams. If you want to lead an effective team then your goal is to inspire behavioural change. To inspire change means that you will have to deal with fear from both your team, as well as your own. 

Truth vs Comfort

It all boils down to Truth versus Comfort. Decisions can be hard to make sometimes, especially the life changing ones. Whether you’re afraid of fear or success you ultimately will have to make a decision one way or the other. Most of our large, impacting, life decisions will be a choice between Truth or Comfort. Both truth and comfort are essential to survival (physical and mental) and have their respective places. But too much of one will ultimately lead to suffering. Too much in the pursuit of one’s Truth, whatever that may be, will lead in a reduction of the passive pleasures of life: leisure, luxuries, and even love. The pursuit of truth is usually a pursuit of meaning and purpose and that can lead us on a path of self discovery that will not allow for relaxation. Too much comfort on the other hand can tend to lack purpose or meaning. If we strive to fill our lives with being comfortable then all of a sudden that large bed, full fridge, nice car, and big TV seem to lack any purpose. Why be comfortable if one lacks a reason to be it in the first place? The art of living is finding a balance between the two and change in life circumstances usually indicates a divergence from one path to the other.

A promotion at work for example could mean that life is about to become a lot of comfortable: more money, higher status, increased responsibility but you might find that that means more work hours and less time doing what you love.

Conversely a change to the path of truth could mean taking a pay cut, or moving houses, maybe a shift in your entire life altogether just so you can pursue your dream of running your own bagel delivery business. 

Any trajectory that heads toward either Truth or Comfort for too long will result in suffering. You must maintain a balance of both to have both physical comfort yet maintain a spiritual truth to your own purpose in the world. Fear is the motivator to keep you from changing and will convince you with the emotion of reason that you should not. The ego wants to stay as it is for better or worse. So, what can you do to change?

Fear as a Compass

Use fear as a compass to find the direction of growth. It sounds so simple but if you are facing a fear then it means you are facing growth, challenges, and change. If the thought of an action makes your heart race, or makes you want to cry, or makes you want to turn on the TV then note that reaction and head in that direction. If your heart is beating it means you’re ALIVE! And that you’re ready to grow through embracing fear, and embracing change.

Fear as a Fuel

Now your fear is a fuel. Once you’ve discovered which direction your fear is pushing you then use that elevated heart rate, the adrenaline pumping through your blood, the increased oxygen in your system to motivate your actions. Do you have a phone call you don’t want to make and the very thought of it is making you anxious? Then pull out that phone, dial that number, and start talking because your fear is designed to spur you into action.

Living in a constant state of arousal is not healthy, so use the anxiety as an energy kick to spur you into action. Do this with one thing that scares you and you’ll be one step closer to creating a healthy fear fueled habit.

Fear as a Fertilizer

Your fear is ready to be your friend. Now that you know what direction to travel in in order to align your comfort/truth balance, and have used the fear to spring you into action, now you can begin to foster a friendship with fear.

Fear is not there to make you suffer. Fear is a response designed to keep you alive. Fear cares about you and wants to keep you safe. So use it like a radar for growth. You know that conversation with a team member is not going to kill you, and simply having the conversation might make you feel like you’ve achieved something, for yourself. That is growth. That is change.

When you shift your focus from being afraid of fear, to seeing that fear can foster a relationship with yourself that is aligned for growth, you will discover that you are capable of not only creating change but success, happiness, and balancing the path of truth versus comfort.

Too Long Didn’t Read

Fear keeps us from embracing change, which can stunt growth. By shifting perspective on the nature of fear we can use the symptoms that fears create as a compass for guidance, a fuel for action, and a fertiliser for personal growth. 

Fear is not your foe, it’s your friend.