Part 2

This article is part two of a multi part series on FEAR. If you would like to read Part One (How We Self Sabotage) click here.

In this article we will be going to the depths of fear. What is the fear of fears, the ultimate fear, the pièce de résistance of fear?

Rejection

Rejection is the fear of all fears. As a society, and individuals within that society, we fear rejection worse than death. Now there is more complexity to this than meets the eye. In fact, a coping mechanism with this fear is to diminish it. If we aren’t even conscious of our worst fear then we may never have to face it. To quote Dr Shefali Tsabary:

“To become conscious is to witness our unconsciousness; which progressively makes it conscious” – The Conscious Parent

And unconsciously a fear of rejection, left unchecked, will guide our behaviours. This can lead to a life of avoidance rather than abundance.

A Fear Worse Than Death

In very real terms a fear of rejection is a fear worse than death. Think about it, we use rejection as a form of capital punishment: we reject those in society who are caught violating the rules of our social and legal systems. Of which, solitary confinement is considered the worst. Rejection from friend groups, families, careers, communities, and partners is something we avoid at all costs. We may lie, cheat, steal, corrupt, and manipulate our way to avoiding it. In some cases we may choose to die rather than experience rejection. This can be seen in causes of suicide attempts both successful and unsuccessful.* But why?

Rejection IS a Fear of Death

To be rejected from a relationship, career, community, or family puts us in survival mode. We can assess rationally that if our partner dumps us then we will probably not die. But our subconscious mind may beg to differ. Without the support of our friends, family, co-workers, partners, and community we may struggle to obtain resources necessary to survival, it tells us. Without a job and emotional support we may be unable to get a new one. Then we may not be able to pay our expenses. This could lead to a loss of home and material comfort, resulting in homelessness, leading to an death.

Have you ever wondered why you brush your teeth of a morning and night? Like really wondered? Why is it important to have dental hygiene. Could it be that bad teeth might lead us to be rejected from our position in society? That desirable partners will not find us attractive, that we won’t be able to succeed in our careers and ambitions if we have a toothless rotting smile? That if we don’t take care of our teeth we may be at risk of an early death because no one will want to love or hire us?

But What Can I Do?

Never fear a compass appears! As I wrote in the last article we can use fear as our compass. And as stated above by being conscious of our unconscious we become MORE conscious. So if we can be aware that the greatest fear we have is rejection from social groups (by virtue of a slippery slope leading us to an untimely death), and that this fear is somewhat irrational, then we can begin to embrace that fear of rejection.

Nothing will teach you more about yourself then who you are when you find yourself in a state of fear. Are you interested in self growth? Are you interested in conquering (or at least managing) fear? Then let me save you hundreds of dollars in self help books: go out and experience fear.

Rejection Won’t Kill Us, But Fear Will. Take a moment right now to think of a conversation that you should probably have but really don’t want to. Now, think of actually having that conversation. Is your heart beating? Are you feeling alive? Good, that means you are experiencing fear. The best thing to do? Embrace it. Have that conversation and see how you behave in the face of death. Worst case scenario you learn how to do better next time, but most likely you will not die, you will not go to jail, but you may collect $200 worth of self reflection.

TL;DR

When discomfort is your compass then you may find yourself in a storm of uncertainty. In these moments its important to remember that you will either die, or survive. Both are ok. Go ahead, get rejected, you may just learn something about yourself.

*Depression is categorised as the leading cause of suicide in individuals. When we dig a little deeper here are the leading causes of depression:

“Research suggests that continuing difficulties – long-term unemployment, living in an abusive or uncaring relationship, long-term isolation or loneliness, prolonged work stress – are more likely to cause depression than recent life stresses”- Beyond Blue

The commonality of these causes is all varying forms of rejection. Rejection of the self by people close to us. In a relationship we can have our identity rejected for not being what our partner wants. Work stress boils down to a fear for the continuance of that work (we don’t want to get fired and be out of a job). The other causes speak for themselves. We can see here that the leading cause for both depression and suicide, worldwide, is the experience of rejection and the fear of it.